Ways To Change An Attachment Style: How To Create A Secure Attachment

How can insecure attachments change to secure attachments?

A person can become more secure in their attachments. An unofficial “fifth” attachment style, earned-secure, refers to those who started with an insecure attachment style but later developed the ability to understand their circumstances, collaborate with others, reflect on their childhood, and rationalize the source of their insecure attachment. 

The Attachment Project, an organization that helps people develop an earned-secure attachment style, describes how to improve secure attachment in four major steps:

1. Leverage support networks. Many people who are insecurely attached struggle to depend on others. It is important to revisit past beliefs and actively choose to rely on others for emotional support and validation. 
2. Examine your childhood. Understanding the impact of your childhood and your caregiver’s parenting style can help you make sense of your thoughts and feelings as an adult. Processing past experiences and their associated emotions is necessary to develop an earned-secure attachment. 
3. Challenge your self-assessment. Insecure attachment styles are often associated with low self-worth. You may want to focus on improving your self-esteem or other forms of self-improvement. If your thought patterns negatively affect your self-perception, it will likely be helpful to consciously challenge negative preconceived notions about yourself. 
4. Enact deliberate change. Even though you’ve improved your self-worth and confronted personal insecurities, you may find behavioral change slow. Behaving in a secure manner takes conscious effort, at least at first. For example, insecure individuals often struggle to set strong boundaries. Even after working on their thought patterns and self-perception, they will still need to practice setting boundaries to develop the skill; the process is not automatic. 

Moving from insecure attachment to earned-secure attachment may be easier with the help of a therapist. A mental health professional can help you understand your attachment style, what factors contribute to it, and what you can do to become more secure. 

What causes a secure attachment?

The attachment process begins early in childhood, and a secure attachment style develops when children have attentive parents who make the child feel secure. The child can obtain comfort from their caregivers when distressed, and the caregiver is usually typically warm and nurturing. Securely attached children can also use their parents as a “secure base” to explore the environment and interact with other children. This is noticeable in toddlers, who may venture away from their parents to play but often glance back to their parents and search for them if they are not in sight. 

As the child grows older, the important features of attachment remain. Parents often enforce security by providing a nonjudgmental atmosphere for adolescents to discuss problems or seek support. A caregiver often provides extensive emotional support and helps their teen learn how to navigate complex adult emotions. Generally, a strong parent-child relationship in childhood and adolescence predicts a secure adult attachment style, which can be beneficial across the entirety of a person’s lifespan. 

What is secure attachment in relationships?

A secure-attachment relationship is typically characterized by openness, trust, empathetic communication, and independence. Both people who began adulthood with a secure attachment style and those who attained earned-secure attachment exhibit similar relationship traits. A few characteristics of a securely attached person in a relationship are listed below: 

• Can control their emotions surrounding the relationship. 
• They are willing to bond, open up, and engage in trusting relationships. 
• Able to communicate their needs effectively. 
• They are comfortable with closeness and mutual dependency. 
• They seek emotional support and provide it to their partner. 
• Comfortable being alone and working on their own goals. 
• They are self-aware and can reflect deeply on the relationship. 

How do you fix an insecure attachment child?

The most effective - and possibly only - way to fix insecure attachment in a child is to improve their caregiving environment.  In extreme cases, such as when child abuse is present, removing the child from the parents may be the only viable solution. Typical human development usually requires extensive emotional scaffolding from caregivers. Evidence suggests that children can form new attachments with more secure caregivers, and providing children with a safe, secure environment will likely reduce future attachment concerns. 

In most cases, a child remains with their caregiver and invested parents often strive to make changes in their own behavior to create a more secure and attentive environment. Standardized parenting programs, which help caregivers learn to communicate empathetically, raise their emotional awareness, and adopt new parenting skills, have been shown to increase attachment security in children when followed appropriately.

Parents and caregivers may wish to work with a mental health professional to gain insight into their own attachment style. Considering a parent’s caregiving style is often equally important as analyzing a child’s attachment style. Many parents notice large gains in their and their child’s personal security when they commit to moving from an insecure to an earned-secure attachment style. Parents who have attained earned-secure attachment often report that it is much easier to remain attuned to their child's needs, show empathy, and see their child as independent. 

How do I make my child feel emotionally secure?

An emotionally secure child needs a safe environment and a nurturing response from caregivers. A child’s ability to engage in healthy relationships as an adult likely requires a solid foundation of emotional security in childhood. Experts suggest that there are five conditions necessary to raise a securely attached child: 

1. The child feels safe. Children need to feel that their basic needs are secure (food, shelter, etc.) and that their caregiver is a source of safety. If a young child strays from a caregiver, they must know they can return to them for comfort. Older children should know that their parent is willing to advocate for them and defend them from more complex challenges. 
2. The child is seen and known. Caregivers should anticipate their children’s needs and respond appropriately to a child’s behavior.  Children learn that they can expect a prompt, predictable, and accurate response when they signal a need. 
3. The child feels comforted and soothed. At all ages, children should be able to obtain soothing emotional support when distressed. Helping children manage their feelings helps them learn to calm themselves when they are older. Eye contact and direct communication are important parts of soothing while teaching emotion control skills. 
4. The child is valued. Caregivers who regularly make their children feel valued often focus on Being rather than Doing. In other words, children should not feel valuable because of what they do but because of who they are. Frequent praise and encouragement can help children feel valued and supported. 
5. The child can explore. Parents can help their child develop security by acting as a secure “home base” for the child. The idea of a “home base” is literal for younger children. Young children regularly check in with their parents while exploring and may become distraught if their parent isn’t there to provide a sense of safety and security. For older children, a parent can be a “home base” by providing a safe, empathetic space for the child to express themselves and solve problems. 
   

What is secure attachment, and how does it develop?

A secure attachment style in an adult relationship refers to a person’s ability to engage in healthy, trusting relationships. Insecurely attached people may find it difficult to trust or rely on others for emotional support, which can lead to problems in adult relationships, especially romantic ones. On the other hand, securely attached people often thrive in healthy unions and are usually willing to work on their current relationships. They can generally engage in empathetic communication and trust others easily. 

Both secure and insecure attachment styles are formed during childhood. Securely-attached children tend to have parents who provide for their emotional needs as well as basic necessities. They are usually able to approach their parents for comfort and are made to feel known, safe, and valued. On the other hand, insecure attachments tend to develop when parents do not provide a child with safety, security, or emotional support. 

What is an example of secure attachments?

Consider a romantic relationship between two people: Mark and Kaylee. Mark and Kaylee both have secure attachment styles, which are demonstrated through the daily interactions of their relationship. After a hard day at work, Kaylee comes home to Mark and discusses her day with him constructively. Mark listens attentively, empathizes with Kaylee, and offers emotional support. He is concerned about his girlfriend’s well-being, and her request for emotional support is welcomed. 

The next week, Kaylee leaves on a 10-day trip for work. Mark isn’t concerned about her absence and looks forward to some extra time to work on his goals. Neither Kaylee nor Mark are worried about potential threats to their relationship; they both find each other trustworthy and have completely internalized that trust. Although Mark and Kaylee will miss each other, neither one is distressed by spending some time apart. Their secure attachments allow them to have deep, loving connections without sacrificing their independence. 

What are the 4 S's of secure attachment?

Dr. Daniel Siegel coined the four S’s of secure attachment in his book The Power of Showing Up. Dr. Siegel is a psychiatrist who has worked extensively with children, teenagers, and families. The Power of Showing Up describes how consistent support from at least one adult can help a child become successful academically, improve their career prospects, and improve their future relationships. 

Dr. Siegel’s four S’s are steeped in attachment theory and are based on the latest research regarding how parents and caregivers can best support their children. The four S’s are briefly described below: 

• Safe. Children need an environment of safety and security. Parents should act as a secure “home base” that their child recognizes as a place of safety, both physically and emotionally. 
• Seen. Truly seeing a child means noticing their emotions, both positive and negative, and responding to them appropriately. Parents should attempt to understand why their child feels the way they do rather than immediately redirect the behavior. 
• Soothed. Soothing involves comforting a child and showing them how to manage complicated feelings. Children are effectively soothed when they know their parent is there to help them, and they won’t have to face new challenges alone. 
• Secure. In Dr. Siegel's work, security is akin to “showing up.” When a child knows they can count on their caregiver repeatedly, they internalize a sense of value and safety. Providing consistency allows them to trust their sense of security around their caregiver, setting the stage for secure attachment in adulthood. 

How do you know if someone is securely attached?

Securely attached adults tend to have the ability to engage in healthy relationships, communicate openly, and trust others. They are usually aware of their emotions and emotional needs, being able to express the need for support when necessary. They can also typically reflect on and learn from past relationships easily. 

Generally speaking, there are three key signs that a person has a secure attachment style: 

1. Positive self-image. Securely attached people tend to have a healthy sense of self but are still capable of humility. They do not need a relationship to feel good about themselves but also do not reject intimacy or closeness to others. 
2. Positive view of others. People with secure attachment styles tend to trust the people in their life. They are not jealous and do not doubt their loved one’s intentions. They tend to bond easily with others and are comfortable being near other people. 
3. Positive view of childhood. People who have had a secure attachment since their childhood tend to report their childhood positively and have fond memories of growing up. Similarly, people with an earned-secure attachment style can also speak openly about their childhood but may not remember it positively. An inability to discuss childhood experiences or discussing them only in minor detail is usually a sign of insecure attachment.